Gimme That Thigh Gap!

I want a thigh gap😡not for silly vain reasons, but for reasons of self-preservation. Of course it’s not something you can just “get”, you pretty much have one, or you don’t. So, I was walking through a shopping center the other day and wondering to myself what the worst thing was that could happen when you have a thigh gap. I decided that when the arse falls out of your burrito while driving, instead of being able to catch it on your lap, it slips through your thighs and you end up sitting in hot mushy beans for the rest of your trip. Not to mention the looks you would get trying to pick those beans up whilst sitting at the lights. You’d look like a deviant taking a quick dive in between your legs to get those beans, and when you lift your arse that first time, they slide right down under your butt so that you now can’t sit down without creating a bigger bloody mess. You’re fucked, really….what are you gonna do?? You cant get out of the car, unless you’re heading home, but what if you’re heading back to work after lunch break? Are you gonna tie your jacket around your waist like you would when your period shows up unexpectedly? As soon as you do, youre gonna get sympathetic looks from the girls and sniggers from the guys (cos guys are immature like that), and you’ll try to say “oh no, not that, i dropped my burrito”….oh yeah sure, right, ok….”no, really, LOOK??”….ARGHHHHHH, nooooo, yuck, gross, put the jacket back on, go home, take the afternoon off, it’s fine really, go take care of yourself….like WTF?? It’s a burrito, People, but fuck you, im going home!!!!….and all because of your stupid thigh gap!!!!

I know, that escalated quickly, but you know its gonna happen. So let’s look at “no thigh gap”, which is me. This is my deal. I’m walking through that shopping center thinking about why i don’t want a thigh gap, but in the meantime, my bloody gapless thighs are RUBBING TOGETHER!!!!! I hate this. This is where i start to think, what is worse, mushy burrito humiliation or bad chafing? Im continually pulling my pants up, and tying them tighter, but that doesn’t work, these pants are made with a low crotch, you need a friggen thigh gap to be able to wear them without pain. The more i walk through the shopping center, the more i notice that i’m starting to walk with quite a side to side motion. It’s the only way i can stop my thighs rubbing together and although i think i’ve got this under control, i can tell people are noticing and thinking things like “Whoa,  someone had a good night last night”….”John Wayne eat your heart out”…yeah fuck you pilgrim! And that shit hurts for the rest of the day. Even minimal chafing totally stuffs up everything. Ask anyone who plans to spend an enjoyable day at the beach and within 10 minutes they’re in agony and their day is stuffed.

All I want is to live comfortably, and chaffing thighs does not fit into that plan. So i gotta get me a thigh gap, or a pair of ultrathin spanx to ensure the fatty pockets of my thighs are unable to enjoy making sweet smoochy chafe together.



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